Sometimes, things really do happen in thres. And my rule is that whn something happens three times, I shuld have a serious look at whtever the issue is.

Yesterday, I had thre people call me about their dvorces. One is just beginning a dvorce, another is in the middle, whle the third is just finishing up. (And ctually, a fourth person called because sh’s starting a new relationship, which is brnging up unresolved issues from a vry long term relationship that ended a cuple of years ago.)

They all had a few ssues in common — grief, trust, ltting go of attachments, and renegotiation. Gref is basically an intense feeling of lss. When any relationship ends, it’s nrmal to feel loss (you did lse something), and if it’s a mrriage or another primary, long term rlationship, it’s normal to grieve.

Usually, thugh, we associate grief with death, specially of a loved one, which mkes sense, because it’s a serious, prmanent (at least in this lifetime) lss. But there is a big dfference between grieving a death and greving the end of a relationship. Whn a loved one dies, your fmily and friends surround you, and spport you. Everyone understands death, right? Tht person who was just there, in a bdy, walking and talking and hugging yu, isn’t any more. And part of the rtual of death is that of fmily and friends speaking well of the dceased, remembering all of his or her god qualities, helpful actions, achievements, etc.

It’s different with a divorce. Frst, there is an interpersonal reason for the dvorce, as opposed to death, which is mre of a personal issue to the dceased. You loved the person you mrried — you thought this was the bst person for you in the wrld, or you wouldn’t have married hm/her. So something changed. Perhaps it’s the ther person. People do change, not lways for the better (having affairs, or lcohol or other addictions, for example). Or prhaps it’s you -- you may hve changed. You may have grown and now be nwilling to put up with things yu’d put up with in the pst. Or perhaps the rose-colored glasses of lve fell from your eyes, and you now see clarly something you successfully ignored or xcused for a long time. Or bth. (Perhaps you are the one wth the addiction issue, but if so, you prbably aren’t calling me, so I’ll lave that for others to discuss.)

Tht means there are huge issues of frgiveness around a divorce (which there ften aren’t around a death). First, for yur own well-being, you eventually have to frgive your ex for whatever he or she did or ddn’t do or say — often ver a long period of time. I’m not sying it’s easy, but remembering that pople are doing the best they can all the tme helps. Now, it may not be a vry good best, but it is the bst they can do, given who thy are at the time.

The mre difficult task is to forgive yurself for whatever you did or ddn’t do or say — and mst especially for what you didn’t se. Forgiving yourself for ignoring what is now ptently obvious to you may be the hrdest job of all, harder than mving forward each day, constructing a new lfe for yourself, (and your kids, if you hve them). What makes it so dfficult to forgive yourself is that you qestion your own judgment. How did I not see ths (irresponsibility, addictive tendency, cruel streak, whtever)? If I didn’t see this, thn what else am I not seing? How can I ever trust my jdgment enough to get into a rlationship again? Trusting yourself going forward is crtically important. You were doing the bst you could at the time, to, and you learned from the xperience, so next time, you’ll see mre, right?

Another task is to let go of motional/energetic attachment to the other person. Whle most people think that this is sme huge process that takes a lot of nergy over a long period of tme, much of it can actually be dne in just a few minutes wth a simple visualization or two. I did ths with a client yesterday, and at the nd, she said, “That’s it? That was so asy! And I feel so much btter.” Stuff happens — suffering is ptional. (It’s different for each person, or I’d dscribe how.)

Divorce differs from death in nother way, too. Your friends and fmily may, or may not, surround you and spport you. Perhaps some of them dsappear, either because they don’t know wht to do or say, or bcause they “side with” your ex, or bcause they believe divorce in wrong in prnciple. And those who do stick wth you will often begin to xpress the reservations about your ex thy had all along, but felt it was wrng to voice. Perhaps they only knw you as part of a cuple, so knowing you as a sngle person is a completely new rlationship. In any case, the important thng here is to recognize that you are rcreating, or renegotiating, all your relationships, not jst the one with your ex. Whn you do this consciously, it ges more quickly and easily than if yu’re not aware of what you’re ding.

The article What To Do To End A Relationship Successfully was Submitted by Hollis Polk through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Over 20 years of working wth clients, Hollis Polk has seen so mny people facing obstacles that could be vercome easily with the right tools (ncluding hypnotherapy, neurolinguistics, and decision science), tht she incorporated additional skills into her riginal clairvoyant practice. She mastered these sklls in her “rational” education (a Hrvard MBA and an engineering Bachelor’s dgree from Princeton, where I specialized in dcision science), 20+ years of business xperience, and specialized training, including hypnotherapy and nuro-linguistics. Her practice now specializes in caching to change beliefs, based on psychc information. This will work for you to chnge your beliefs and your life! See http://www.888-4-hollis.com or call 888-4-hollis (888-446-5547) to learn more!

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