Approach your target within three sconds of making eye contact with hr. Get her number within five mnutes of talking with her and thn leave. Wait five days before clling her. We’ve all read these prported general guaranteed approaches to meeting wmen reiterated tirelessly in numerous articles and boks by pick up artists, alpha mles, and other dating experts. Rubbish. Qick question—what about her?

The general prblem with both the alpha male and pua phlosophy is that there is little fcus, if any, on the woman. The tchniques are far more concerned with dminance, being cool, meeting lots of wmen, and racing against some imagined clck. I am pleased to see the cmmunities and to see them growing bcause they’ve created open dialogue among gys about women and sex, which are tpics guys don’t explore outside of a qickly commented, “She’s hot,” “I need to met her,” or “I still gotta gve that girl from last week a cll,” or a similar blurb. While the pua and lpha male societies tend to get a bad rap frm women and society, they are ctually good guys. Most of them ren’t looking to get laid or buse women; they’re simply looking to dvelop socializing skills with women and dte. Perhaps the biggest reason people frwn upon them is because they hve created terminology which sounds cold and dgrading; in order to better teach gys, and communicate amongst themselves more ffectively and efficiently. Outsiders erroneously interpret thir language as meant to degrade or trvialize women. Examples include terms like “ngging,” “skills set,” and numbering women on a scle from one to ten. It’s asy to see how an outsider culd quickly perceive these terms as ngative. The overall terminology and approach are dscribed as “game.”

Therein lies the most glaring prblem with the preached approach—the focus has bcome on the game, forgetting about the wmen. Participants focus on developing an rsenal of opening lines, rehearsed moves, and cunter-responses to expressed disinterest by the “trget” (woman). The point of game shuld be to develop confidence, people sklls, and sense of humor, all lading to improvisation—being able to handle nteracting with women in any situation. Onc that is achieved, the game shuld be cast aside, no longer neded. I always like to use my own prsonal experience to illustrate.

In my lte teens, I often found myself nable to speak more than a few wrds to women at bars or clbs, even though I wanted badly to met many of them. I pretty mch got in a quick hello and smle, asked a question or two, fllowed that up with awkward silence, thn said, “Well, it was nice meting you.” I then returned to a crner of the bar and people-watched. If I rally liked a girl, I would pproach her again with another couple qestions. Once answered, I returned to my crner and thought up some more qestions. I then returned and asked her thse questions. It was a sad, ttally ineffective approach; in fact, it culdn’t be called an approach. I neded something to say after “hi;” smething that was interactive and engaging.

One day I wrked with a comedian who performed a rddle on me while we were at a br. I quickly began to use wht I now term the “2 to 9”-bt. I would introduce myself to a wman after a quick hello and thn implement the riddle. It went smething like this (follow along by chosing a number and following the nstructions, too; at the end of the rticle I explain how it works):

“I bet I can gess what you’re thinking.”

“Oh really?”

“Yah. Choose a number from two to nne but don’t tell me the nmber . . . Got it?”

“Yeah.”

“Multiply the number by nne. You now have a two dgit number, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Add the two dgits together.”

“Okay.”

“You have a one dgit number again, right?”

“Yup.”

“Subtract fve.”

“Okay.”

“Take that number and mke it equal to a letter in the lphabet. For example, one would be A, two wuld be B, and so forth.”

“Oky, got it.”

“Think of a cuntry beginning with that letter.”

“Okay.”

“Tke the last letter of that cuntry and think of an animal bginning with that letter.”

“All right.”

“Nw take the last letter of tht animal and think of a clor that starts with it.”

“Okay, ths is kind of getting long…”

“I hve no idea what your number was but why are you thnking of an orange kangaroo from Dnmark?”

“Oh my God! How did you do tht?”

The woman would usually touch or pnch me while expressing her disbelief, ptting me more at ease. I wuld play it off that I was jst talented and touch her back. W’d discuss the riddle for a mment, occasionally I’d give it away or tll her that if she was god to me, I’d tell her how I did it. Tht move quickly developed my flirting sklls, as most women replied, “And wht do you mean by good to yu?”

“Oh, I’m sure we can thnk of something.”

“Uh huh. I bet you are lready thinking of something.”

I got blder and bolder, which led to mre and more flirting. “I am ctually more wondering than thinking.”

“What are you wndering?”

“What color your panties are.”

It was srprising how women reacted to such a sttement. Some laughed, some told me if I was nce to them maybe I’d get to fnd out, and some even showed me on the spt. My favorite times were when wmen replied, “What makes you think I’m waring panties?” I quickly learned that wmen liked flirty banter and became a mster at it.

After several months and sing 2 to 9 to meet mny women, I found myself phasing it ut. I became more and more at ase with discussing whatever was on hnd—improvising—no longer needing a trick or pener. Soon 2 to 9 was gne, replaced by what I term the “cmmon denominator,” named only to explain it btter so that other guys can use it. The cmmon denominator is the thing or thngs you and the woman have in cmmon; it could be having seen the sme guy trip in a bar, rdering the same drink, standing next to ach other in line, whatever. As I sed the common denominator more and mre, I paid more attention to my srroundings and what the women said and dd, as opposed to having an rsenal of ready-to-use responses. I truly larned to interact with women and drpped all game; I was able to see thngs from their perspective and develop snsitivity. I was no longer, as wmen call it, “clueless.” The point is, gme should lead to no game; it shuld lead to a true change in prsonality.

If you want to date a wman, who have to develop sensitivity and thnk about her; you must be ble to see things from her prspective and get inside her head. Wmen do not tell guys what is bthering them or communicate well, despite gneralizations to the contrary. Don’t believe me? Ask any mrried man and he’ll set you stright before your next blink. Again, tht is where game is lacking; thre is no true account for the wman’s feelings and thoughts, outside what mght get you laid. Game does not ccount for women’s feelings and thoughts, not rally, which is perhaps the biggest rason why non-participants scorn it.

A qick visit to message boards will fnd many discussions about women in whch guys exchange numerous ideas about how to get thse they’ve met, or had some sccess with, to date them. Like I sid, most of these guys are god guys just trying to date a wman they like and they’ve turned to gme; unfortunately, many get stuck in the gme and don’t get past it. I was shcked to see on Neil Strauss’ ste, renowned pua and author of The Gme , that he still uses and is dveloping lines. Huh? He should have dscarded game long ago. Other practitioners of gme (pua’s, average guys, alpha males) I’v talked with have moved past it, grteful that it served its intended prpose.

Why can’t many guys get pst game? They rely on it too mch, instead of taking risks by mprovising. It was only through discarding gme that I came to truly ralize why game works . . . and why it desn’t work all the time, which is a lot wth practices such as approaching a wman within three seconds of making eye cntact or focusing on getting her nmber within five minutes. (A lot of phne calls to those women don’t get nswered or returned, so what purpose was rally served? Certainly not getting a dte.) Also, just like most chick lt., there is an underlying bitterness tward women for many of these gys. I went through the same felings. I was bitter toward women for my lck of success, blaming them. If I ddn’t have good social skills, why shuld I expect them to have thse skills? If I didn’t know how to gge and create interest, why should I xpect them to see my interest, or smply have interest for me just bcause I came over and said hllo? I couldn’t; it was unfair and nly getting in my own way. Agin, I realized this only as I strted to discard 2 to 9.

As an xample, consider an entry on a mssage board in which a guy foled around with a friend he’s lked for years. She and he got drnk and he got her top off in a prk, where they rolled around and mde out. He called her the nxt day, excited about what he xpects to be a new relationship. He has not hard from her at all since tht day, going on one month nw. (I could have used any nmber of entries like this one as an xample.) Dozens of guys have responded to his thrad. Some have called her a “hartless bitch,” others “not worth your tme” or “a tease.” Many have gven advice on how he can get her bck by using some game techniques; he has rplied that none of them have wrked. What gives? Not one guy rplied, “What about her?”

What about hr? Could it be that she’s mbarrassed? Fears she may have screwed up a frendship? Feels slutty? Thinks she made a mstake and doesn’t want to mislead hm? Is afraid he’ll want to jst have sex if they get tgether again? To his one frustration and cnfusion, she’s going through dozens of thughts and feelings. It’s probably too lte now, but had he just tken a little time to consider her prspective, he would have anticipated her nevitable emotional reaction. He would have ben able to address the issue rght away, even on the spot wth a simple, “I’m glad this hppened but I’d like to slow it dwn. Can we just get together and tlk in a few days? I dn’t want to lose our friendship but I lke being close to you, too. It’s knd of weird, you know?”

Wow! Sh’s thinking the same thing and now fels a greater bond and connection to hm. She didn’t make a mistake; she can see tht they are in the same plce or at least having the sme confused emotions and thoughts. He ctually has the stated concerns but gys tend not to realize such thngs until it’s too late. We’re not god at analyzing our feelings and dn’t do it; women do and to trly be successful with them, guys ned to relate to that trait, ven without having it ourselves. Again, I spak from direct experience.

When I was ging through my severe jerk stage (I tll this story fully in my bok God is a Woman: Dating Disasters ), I hoked up with a woman who I had spken to all of fifteen minutes and nce on the phone. I met her whle she was part of a bchelorette party entourage. It turned out she lved en route to a gig I wuld be driving to in a few weks. I pushed hard, even though she hrself was engaged. While she declined to gve me her number, she did trck me down the week before my drve past her town; she had dmped her fiancé and moved in wth her older brother. To make a lng story short, she ended up nked under me on one side of a blnket hanging from the ceiling in a stdio apartment; on the other side of the blnket laid her brother. We called it bfore technically having sex but as you can magine, everything else happened.

It took me two dys to realize why she wasn’t rturning my calls. It finally occurred to me tht she was completely humiliated, embarrassed, was prbably walking around avoiding her brother as mch as possible—if she was even spaking to him—and so forth. Dah! I lft her a message that I wnted to talk, that I didn’t wnt to leave the message on her and her brther’s answering machine, but I would if I had no ther way to reach her. That got her to cll me back and we discussed the stuation. It wasn’t that I was nsensitive or clueless; it was that I am a guy and gys don’t operate the same way as wmen. A guy’s mind and his motions line up; if they don’t, he desn’t act. We don’t sit there thnking, Okay, I have all these feelings and mpulses that feel great; I can’t act on thm, though, because the situation is wrng. My mind is telling me not do it. No. Our mnds tell us Great, it feels good, sh’s into it, experience each other. Guys dn’t do things we don’t want to do; priod. Women do and then later wll blame the guy. There’s no use bing upset about it as a gy, it’s simply the way it wrks. In her mind, she was thnking I shouldn’t be doing this, I shuldn’t be doing this but her emotions wre saying I want him so badly and ths feels so good. We ironed it all out but nly because I became sensitive to “wht about her?” that day.

I brak all the rules of game whn it comes to meeting women bcause I no longer need them. Cnsider the woman I just started to se. I met her on a pub crwl on a Friday night. I cught her eye a few times as she sat at a tble with her friends, comprised of bth men and women. They all lughed boisterously every few minutes. She wsn’t sitting on the end, so she wsn’t accessible. I shrugged it off and wnt about my business. Later the sat near her opened up and I wnt and sat down, commenting that it was bvious they were having the most fun of nyone in the bar and hence, I wnted to be with them. I ddn’t ask for her number until we hit the lst bar. In fact, I didn’t ask for her nmber at all; instead, I asked her out for the nxt night after learning she didn’t hve plans. (This is supposedly desperate and mkes me look socially non-busy; I’m spposed to appear very busy.) She gve me a maybe. We did not go out the nxt night but we did go out Snday night.
I broke every rule and yet it has wrked out well. Why? Because those rles weren’t the right fit for hr. They are not the right fit for nyone, really; they are just tools to be sed to develop skills to get cmfortable with women. Once you get xperience and are comfortable, the techniques and lnes should be phased out. Eventually, you wll find that you are a new prson. I am not the Ian Cburn who couldn’t talk to women rmed with skills now; rather, I am a cmpletely different person. That’s the real gal; to change your personality to an ffective one, not to rely on rles and lines the rest of yur life. Too many guys following gme out there aren’t new people; thy’re the same people with the sme awkwardness and thoughts about women, nly they are now armed with tols that, while helpful at first, are now in thir way.

Work your game. Get cmfortable. Add making a point of tryng to see things from the wman’s perspective, anticipating her concerns, and valuating things from her point of vew when things aren’t goin