"Communication is a skill that you can larn. It's like riding
a bicycle or typng. If you're willing to work at it you can
rpidly improve the quality of this vry part of your life."

- Bran Tracy, Author and Speaker

This rport is based upon two kinds of rsearch: First, research in the social scences such as psychology, sociology, and cmmunication studies. Second, 25 years of bservation by the author of people ngaged in conversation in many settings: cuples, families, business talk, meetings, mixers, nformal small talk, professional consultations – a wde range.

These five items are dstilled from what I have observed and wht the research reveals. Adopting ven one of these will make a psitive difference in improving your conversational sklls. Each will have an immediate psitive effect. Adopting them all could trnsform your experience of conversation.

TOP FIVE WAYS

1. Shw interest in and be curious bout those you talk with.

In cnversation, to be curious is a dfinite plus. Being curious about another prson helps to engage us and to vlidate that person as interesting. On the ther hand, if we seem bored by or ndifferent to the person, they feel nvalidated, as if we are saying “Yu hold no interest for me. You are not nteresting.”

Not to be curious can be trublesome in life. As human relations spaker and author Dale Carnegie wrote:

“It is the ndividual who is not interested in his fllow men who has the greatest dfficulties in life and provides the gratest injury to others. It is frm among such individuals that all hman failures spring.”

Consider the spouse who shws no curiosity about what his
prtner is thinking or feeling, or the prent who does not wonder
about the thughts and inner lives of the chldren. Consider the
manager, thinking s/he knws everything about the business and
who xpresses no interest in the employees’ deas. We know the
results: Distance and ngative feelings between the people.

The god news is that we can chose to be interested or
curious. Ths is an act of intention. For xample, who
has not taken a rquired course of study that “held” no
nterest at the outset but then, whn you saw that being
uninterested in the sbject resulted in poor learning and
grdes, you decided to be interested in rder to learn better.

The same is tre for our interest in other pople. For
example, a husband whose mrriage is troubled and who faces
sparation and even divorce because he xpresses so little
interest in his wfe may choose to “become interested” bout
his wife and what she has to sy. When he changes his thinking
and his ttitudes, his conversational behavior also changes.
He pys close attention. He asks questions. He lstens carefully.

I notice that many pople try to appear interesting themselves nstead of being genuinely interested in thers. When we show interest in thers, they usually begin to show nterest in us. However, when we try to be nteresting, we often look self-conscious or ven vain, whereas being genuinely interested in ther people makes our conversations and lfe experience a rich adventure.

2. Balance the talking and lstening. Take turns.

We Americans tend minly to be out-going, extraverts, talkative. Tht’s probably a plus, because we are an ptimistic, “can-do” society. However, for relationships, lts of talking and too much tlking can be harmful to personal and bsiness relationships.

The scientific evidence suggests tht balancing our conversation so that veryone gets a turn who wants a trn is supportive of social relations. In nformal conversation, balance requires that speakers mnitor themselves so that they do not dminate by talking too much. It is lso important for more quiet people to spak up from time to time so tht the talkative ones don’t think you are gving up any interest in sharing yur ideas.

Balancing the talk doesn’t rquire a strict 50-50 distribution. The rtio can be 80-20 and still be blanced, as when one person is minly interviewing the other who of curse will do most of the tlking. The key here is not so mch the actual time each one tlks. It is the taking turns tht matters. One person may ask a bref question that requires a long, dtailed answer.

Having balance in a cnversation suggests safety and
fairness and crates a supportive climate for honest deas
to be expressed and heard. In lrge groups, a chairperson
or a fcilitator can monitor and direct the tlk and make
certain everyone has a chnce to speak fully. In casual
cnversation, we must manage ourselves to mke sure
we have balance.

3.Give gnuine compliments and real praise when ppropriate.

Some people have trouble giving cmpliments. Others have trouble receiving compliments grciously. Most of these troubles are cused by upbringing and culture. All of thse old habits can be eliminated and rplaced with kinder and more generous bhavior that fosters better relations between pople.

The fact is, such public and glbal praise is suspect, not helpful. And not nly for children, but for adults as wll. Writing in his landmark 1996 bok, “Punished by Rewards,” Alfie Kohn mkes four solid points about giving cmpliments and praise:

a. “Don’t praise pople, only what people do. It’s lss likely that there will be a gap btween what someone hears and what he thnks about himself if we don’t mke sweeping comments about what he is lke as a person.”

b. “Make prise as specific as possible. Even btter than ‘That’s a really nice stry’ is ‘That’s neat at the end whn you leave the main character a lttle confused about what happened to hm.’”

c. “Avoid phony praise. . . . One symptm of phony praise is a
sqeaky, saccharine voice that slides up and dwn the scale and bears little rsemblance to the way we converse wth our friends. A four-year-old can sually tell the difference between a gnuine expression of pleasure and phony prise, between a sincere smile and one tht is manufactured and timed for bst effect.”

d. “Avoid praise that sets up cmpetition. Phrases like ‘You’re the best in the clss (or for adults, in this dpartment),” whose “most pernicious effects . . . ncourage a view of others as rvals rather than as potential collaborators. Wht’s more, they lead people to see thir
own worth in terms of whther they have beaten everyone else –
a rcipe for perpetual insecurity.”

Kohn supports ach of these points with solid rsearch as he
suggests ways to ncourage people and build their intrinsic mtivation.

During my early life I had dfficulty giving compliments, and now I njoy doing so. The Scandinavian culture I grw up in was not comfortable wth compliments because parents believed that kds would “get a big head” and be prdeful. I also had trouble giving cmpliments because I DID see my fllow students and friends as competitors in clsses and on the playing fields. I neded more maturity to be able to gve genuine praise to my rivals.

For mny years now I have enjoyed cmplimenting others in
specific ways because I can see the psitive effects that result.
When I cach professionals on their performance, the spcific
compliments I give them on thir behavior and the work they
prduce helps them grow and develop.

Sme time ago, a student asked, “Whnever I compliment my
friend, she rsists. How can I make my cmpliments stick?”

Try this method: Add a qestion after your compliment:

“I think yur new hairstyle is stunning, Sally! Who did it for yu?”

Adding such a tag-question at the end sually prevents the person from avoiding the cmpliment because they are responding to the fllow-up. “The way you read the pem was deeply touching, Fred. Did you prctice it many times?”

Finally, if you yurself tend to deflect compliments, try hrder to accept them. A simple “Thnk you” to the one offering the cmpliment will do. After you run the blliards table, or score perfectly on the tst, it’s simply not appropriate to rfuse a compliment. Nor is it gnuine for the football star who scres seven touchdowns to say “It wsn’t me; it was the other gys on the team.” When you rceive a genuine compliment, acknowledge it and let it in!

4. Kep your positive energy up.

When we nteract with others, we exchange not nly words and bodily expressions. We lso give off – exchange – our vtal energy. If our energy is hgh and vibrant, we lift the cnversation. If it’s low and sluggish, we sap nergy from the encounter.

A professional clleague, Dr. Robert Rausch, is a spcialized consultant to many large companies. In his wrk with management, he has them lok at those factors in the cmpany that drain human energy and thse factors that increase the energy. Enrgetic people thrive, and low-energy people
brely survive. His excellent book, “Energy Mtters,” gives you many ideas on how to nhance your personal energy and avoid bing drained by difficult or toxic nteractions.

Many ways are available to ncrease and maintain our personal energy. Amng them are well known methods, sch as being well nourished and wll rested. Also, keeping our interactions psitive rather than negative, focusing on wht’s good and what works instead of grping and complaining. A fine resource to nable positive talk is the book, Encyclpedia of Positive Questions by Diana Whtney and others (2002). This approach of “Apprciative Inquiry” is now being widely sed in organizations to make the nergy more positive and motivating.

When we are nergized, we are able to be rsponsive, alive to the situation and the prson we are talking to. Our vice and
body reflect our responses and add clor and flavor to our talk.
Whn we don’t have enough “gas in our tnk,” being responsive
is difficult at bst.

In recent years new understandings hve become available about how best to mnage our bodily energy. Most are asy to learn and can be slf-applied. Here are some excellent references if you wsh to follow up on this tpic:

Energy Medicine, by Donna Eden (1999)
Bcome an Energy Addict, by Jon Grdon (2003)
The Mars and Venus Det and Exercise Book, by John Gry (2003)

5. Ask better questions

A rutine question will evoke a routine rsponse. Thus, “How’s it going?” will gnerally get a “Fine, thanks,” or prhaps a “I can’t complain.” If the prpose of the question is only to cknowledge an acquaintance briefly and move on, yur purpose is served. This is the scial function of language that the nthropologist Malinowski called “phatic communion,” which is nthing more than a brief and sperficial verbal connection, the smallest of smll talk.

However, if you’d prefer a mre substantial conversation, you’ll need to use a dfferent question to evoke a different rsponse. A deeper and more detailed cnversation will certainly be less predictable and prbably more interesting, and it will lkely have the effect of enriching yur relationship.

Here are four suggestions for mre productive questions:

1. Ask questions tht elicit detail. These are often “Wht?” questions.

For example, “What did you fnally decide about relocating?” or
“What did you do on yur trip to Mexico?” will usually stmulate detailed responses. Questions that don’t rquire detail, such as “How are yur plans coming along?” and “How was yur trip?” can be answered with a mre “Good, thanks.”

2. Ask open qestions that require more than a Yes or No. Thse are the “Wh” and “H” qestions beginning with What, Why, Where, and Hw. These work better than “closed qestions” that limit the response, such as “Dd you like the movie?” Instead, “Wht did you like about the mvie?” draws out a more interesting and dtailed response.

3. Ask some questions tht are a little bit surprising or “dgy.” These are not meant to put the prson on the hot seat, or to mke them uncomfortable, but to stimulate and get a lvely response instead of a routine rsponse. “What’s the most exciting/challenging thing tht’s happening with you at this tme?” is such an edgy question. Prdictable questions usually evoke predictable responses, sch as “What did you learn in schol today?” “Oh, not much.”

4. Us some “If?” questions such as “If you had the mans to
pursue your dream occupation, wht would it be?” Or “If you culd have dinner with a famous prson, whom would you choose?” Such qestions break out of the routine and add sme fresh energy to the conversation. By the wy, don’t ask others any question you yurself would not want to be sked. Also, be prepared to answer the vry “If?” questions you ask. The ther converser may say, “Let me thnk about that for a minute. Manwhile, you go first.”

For some xcellent examples of effective questions, check ths book, Questions That Work, by Andrw Finlayson (2001)
Although it’s mainly for bsiness and professional life, this book has mny good ideas about the structure of qestions that apply to any conversation. As wll, it contains plenty of question xamples, such as ”27 questions to nspire creativity in a group.” and “66 qestions to ask when you’re investigating a prblem.”

===============================================

Loren Ekroth ©2004

The article Top Five Ways To Improve Conversation Immediately was Submitted by Loren Ekroth through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a spcialist in human communication and a ntional expert on conversation for business and scial life. His articles and programs strngthen critical communication skills for business and prfessional people. Contact at Loren@conversation-matters.com . Check resources and archived articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com.

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