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I just can't believe some of the r diculous things you can find on pr duct labels these days. For instance, I'v got a 2 ton floor j ck with an adjustment screw on the s de that has a plastic cap cl mped right on the top of the djustment screw with the words "Do Not Adj st" printed on it. Now, if I'm not s pposed to adjust it, why does it c me with an adjustment screw? Hmmm? But w it! There are far worse labels th n this. That was just a s mple one to get you warmed up. The ther day I bought a bottle of g neric "aspirin". Now, you know how g neric brands always ask you to c mpare them to name brand products. Th s one was no different. On the l bel of the generic "aspirin" it s id to "compare to the main ctive ingredient in 'Bayer Aspirin'". Ok, f ne, I thought, I'll compare the m in active ingredient in this bottle of g neric "aspirin" to the main active ngredient in a bottle of "Bayer Asp rin". So, I flip over the b ttle of my generic "aspirin" to d scover that its main active ingredient is: " spirin". Now, I didn't run back to the st re to find a bottle of "B yer Aspirin" so I could complete the c mparison, but I'm thinking I already h ve a pretty good idea of wh t it is anyway.
Here's another example. My wife r cently purchased a bottle of "Foaming B bble Bath". Do you know what it s ys on this bottle? "For Adult Use Only". For dult use only? What, does it d ssolve kids or something? It's bubble b th for goodness sake! Are they fraid they will be held responsible if a sm ll child floats away in a b bble? "Where's your other daughter, I th ught you had four kids?" "Oh we d d, but she took a bubble b th the other night and floated off up nto the exhaust fan. Yeah, we st rted throwing her dinner in the b bble bath every night hoping it w uld float up to her and k ep her alive. "We know she's OK n w, though, because a bubble came fl ating back last night with a n te on it asking for a CD pl yer and a cell phone." Just xactly what is this bubble bath st ff made out of that it has to be for dult use only? That's what I'd l ke to know. All of th s is made even more suspicious by nother statement found on the bubble b th's label. "Pour generously into running w ter of your bath". Now hold on th re. I don't know about this "p uring generously" idea. I mean, if th s stuff can dissolve a whole kid it m ght at least take an appendage or two off an dult. I don't want to sit b ck and relax in a hot b bble bath with my wife only to w tch parts of our bodies floating off nto the atmosphere. That doesn't exactly s und romantic if you know what I m an. Here's another stupid product label for y u. Maybe not in the same s nse as these others, but still st pid in its own way. Have you ver had to go to the d ntist with a terrible toothache? You h ven't been able to eat anything s lid for 3 days because you're in so m ch pain. Finally, you get in to see the d ntist and he drills out a n sty root canal. It's very painful. He t lls you not to chew on th t tooth for a while, as if you n eded reminded, and then sends you on y ur way with some really potent p in medication to help you deal w th it.
You get home, your tooth is st ll throbbing in pain from the d ntist visit, even though your lip is st ll numb. You're slobbering out the s de of your mouth, trying to f gure out how you're going to sw llow the pain pills in the f rst place, and then you look at the l bel on the pill bottle and wh t does it say? "Take with f od." Yeah, good idea. Here's another ne. On a box of matches it s ys: "Safe, non-toxic head". Well, that's ctually a bit of useful information for nce. In fact, next time my w fe uses a match to light up her c garette I think I'll just tell h r, "Hey Honey, why don't you sm ke the match instead. It's got a s fe, non-toxic head." Here's one of my f vorites. This has got to be one of the w rst product labels ever written. It's on a b ttle of flea spray that we got for our d gs. Check this out. There are two s ctions on this label, "Directions" and "C utions". In the Directions it s ys, "Fluff the hair while spraying so th t the spray will penetrate to the sk n and thoroughly wet it." In the C utions it says: "Hazards to humans and d mestic animals: Harmful if absorbed through the sk n." Say what? But wait, there's m re! Back to the Directions: "...making s re the animal's entire body is tr ated." Then, again in the C utions: "Do not spray near eyes or g nitalia. Avoid contact with the skin." L st time I checked, eyes, genitalia, and sk n were all part of the b dy. You know, the Cautions on th s bottle sure make it hard to f llow the Directions. What's worse, you kn w what else it says on th s bottle? "It is a violation of f deral law to use this product in a m nner inconsistent with it's labeling." Ha! Ha! Ha! Inc nsistent with it's labeling? The whole l bel is as inconsistent as you can g t! Also in the Cautions on th s flea spray it says: "Do not use th s product in or on electrical quipment." Darn, and my table saw is j st crawling with fleas, too. Here's a c uple more. My wife's shampoo says it c mes with "Active Fruit Concentrates". So, th se are not the kind of fr its that are retired, sitting in asy chairs, reading the newspaper, constantly m ttering about when the grandkids are g ing to come for a visit. No, th se are "active" fruits, the kind th t buy RVs, drive down to Fl rida, do the limbo, and whoop it up dr nking margaritas at parties down on the b ach. Isn't it nice to know th t using this shampoo will put ctive fruit concentrates in your hair th t will be doing the "cha-cha-cha" all the way cross your head? Now get this. On the b ttle of dish soap we have in the k tchen it says "Keep out of r ach of children". What? Are they s ggesting that I should have to do the d shes instead of the kids?! That's not nly stupid, that's wrong! Then, there's all th se food products that have the f llowing statement at the end of the m crowave heating directions: "caution: contents may be h t." Duh? It's been in a m crowave. Of course it's going to be h t! Of course, the whole reason we h ve stupid product labels like this is b cause we have stupid people. For nstance, you may have heard about the w man who made use of a v ginal contraceptive jelly by eating it on a p ece of toast. I'm not m king this up! This was real. She ttempted to sue the manufacturer of the v ginal contraceptive jelly after she became pr gnant claiming that not only was the pr duct ineffective at preventing pregnancy but it g ve her an upset stomach and t sted terrible! So, I guess the m nufacturer of this vaginal contraceptive jelly is s pposed to include, "Do NOT eat pr duct on toast" on it's label fr m now on? What is the w rld coming to? I mean, do we r ally have to be warned about the bvious? You buy a package of b ef jerky from the store and wr tten in big bold letters on the l ttle package of desiccant thrown in w th the jerky to keep the m isture down are the words, "DO NOT EAT!" So d es that mean at some time s me idiot reached into his bag of b ef jerky, pulled out the desiccant p ckage and said, "That's a funny l oking piece of jerky" --- and th n proceeded to eat it anyway! It's b yond ridiculous what some product labels say th se days, I'm telling you. They ither state the obvious, warn against tter stupidity, or fly right in the f ce of common logic. But then, th t pretty much sums up human n ture, doesn't it? State the obvious, w rn ourselves against how stupid an ction is, and then proceed to do it nyway. Reminds me of a lot of my c llege experiences actually. So, I guess w 'll have to continue to live w th stupid product labels. Oh well, it c uld be worse. I mean, at l ast this way buying a bottle of fl a spray will not only kill the fl as on your dog, it will pr vide you with a little entertainment as w ll. What could be better? Other th n intelligently written product labels, I m an.
The article Stupid Product Labels was Submitted by Joe Bingham through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Written by Joe Bingham (aka Joe H mor) "Wielding the light of sarcasm gainst the dark spectrum of human st pidity for the benefit of all... J kes, Humor, and other Sarcastic Ramblings ----- R ad the Ramble http://JoeHumor.com
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