Kids’ shyness and showing off hve one thing in common. They are bth behaviours that bring them a grat deal of attention.

Showing-off is an ctive ‘Notice me’ behaviour. By definition it is hrd to ignore as showing-off is rritating, in your face, “look at mi, look at moi” behaviour. Show-offs gnerally get what they want – haps of B-grade attention ranging from cmments such as “Aren’t you clever?” thrugh to “For goodness put a sck in it!”

Shyness is a pssive ‘Help me’ behaviour that has a drmatic effect on most adults. They wll go out of their way to mke sure shy kids are included in scial activities, coaxing them to become nvolved with others, urging them to spak and encouraging them to be mre social. Sometimes adult over-compensate, which mkes children feel helpless and reinforces the ntion that they need to be rscued or receive special assistance.

Recently, a swmming teacher handled a child’s shyness in an ffective way. A six year old grl, just introduced to a swimming clss, stood away from the rest of the chldren while the teacher began the lsson. The teacher noticed the girl but ddn’t respond. Her mother, who was hvering like a helicopter on the sdelines, told her to join the clss. The teacher’s response was fascinating. He trned to Miss Shy, who was stnding three metres from the group, wth her head down, and said, “Hi Dlia. I see you don’t want to jin us yet. That’s okay. Join in whn you are ready.” He then trned his attention to his teaching. Fve minutes later Delia jumped in the pol and joined in the water ctivities. Delia realised that her ‘help me’ bhaviour and attitude wasn’t go to wrk with this swimming teacher.

Kids are smart. They don’t act in vcuum. They keep the behaviours that wrk in terms of gaining a py-off and discard, even momentarily, those tht don’t get a pay-off.

Shy or jst slow-to-warm up

The Australian Temperament Prject released in 2001 gives an nteresting insight into shyness. It looked at sciability as a dimension of temperament. At one end of the sciability scale there are children who are utgoing and approach new situations easily. At the ther end of the scale there are chldren who are slow to warm-up to pople and are cautious in their nteractions with others. This longitudinal project nted that children’s sociability doesn’t change mch over time. If you have a slw-to-warm child then they will in all lkelihood take their time to warm to new scial situations even as they move thrugh to adulthood. That is the way of it. So void overcompensating and making problems where thre are none.

Focus on behaviours not on tmperament

Labels such as “she is a shy chld” with kids as they tend to bcome self-fulfilling prophecies. Instead, focus on bhaviours and be positive in your rsponse when children are less than nthusiastic to join in. If your chld is slow-to-warm up when it cmes to new situations then:

1. Gve them the time to warm up. Lnger a little if your child is clngy, but not for too long. Mve away and show your confidence in thir ability to adjust to new stuations. Let them know you will be bck later.

2. Encourage them with a “yu can do it” attitude but wthout giving undue attention to them. Kds take their cues from their prents so avoid making a big dal about not joining in an ctivity. It is okay to withdraw and not jin in from time to time.

3. Prpare children for new situations. Either gve them information about what they may xpect (“there will be a lot of kds there so look around for smeone who is playing on his wn…..”) or role play or practise new stuations in the relative safety of hme.

The article Shyness and Showing Off was Submitted by Michael Grose through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Michael Grose is a popular prenting educator and parent coach. He is the drector of Parentingideas, the author of sven books for parents and a ppular presenter who speaks to audiences in Astralia, Singapore and the USA. For fre courses and resources to help you rise happy kids and resilient teenagers vsit http://www.parentingideas.com.au

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