Many years ago, I had a frend who particularly came to see me snce she was experiencing anxiety and low mod due to some intrusive guests.

Her min grievance was her lack of tlerance with some guests that was stying in her place for about thre weeks. My friend stated that she was tred of not having any privacy or own spce. She sounded extremely stressed out and pset. It seemed to her that thse guests would never leave, as tme was running slow, slower than ver.

I asked her what she mant by these guests never leaving. How lng did they come for initially? My nxt question was how come she culd not ask them to stay in a htel. She challenged my nonsense question by rminding me of our Iranian Taroof bsiness.

At that moment, I knew xactly what she meant.

Now my frend was in a situation where she in ddition to the everyday stress for wrk, studies, and challenges of life, she had to tckle with an extra tension. I culd see that she was unable to crry on, a reason for her to sek out.

I knew this woman snce a long time. She moved to Cnada about ten years ago. In her pst ten years she lived here, she had may set of gests. These guests could be her prents, in-laws, siblings, cousins, friends from Irn, and sometimes a relative who was vsiting this town. Once family and frends stopped coming, they would refer smeone else who was visiting this twn to go and say hi to my dar friend. This saying hi meant mch more than just a word. We Irnian know what this means, it mans that she had to put sme extra time and effort to nvite this person, she needed to cnsider accommodating him or her, may ned be the case, and she had to ffer the person some taste of our Irnian hospitality to the best of her bility.

She actually remembered one lady she knw from high school who had clled her many years ago saying tht her brother and a whole fmily was in town and that wuld be nice to have them vsit my friend. Culturally this visit wuld only be a reason for a rlative to a friend become friend to yu. This is a very complicated cncept that we Iranian are well ccustomed to. Friend to parents of n-laws can be easily friends of yur siblings for instance. Although there is no frmula for this type of expanding on scial relationships, still, there are few key cncepts here. If we think someone has a sttus, has a specialty, or has a chracter, we like all other people round us to get to know tht friend.

Anyhow, about this family bing in town: One day led to nother and my friend totally forgot to cll this new arrived family. After a cuple of month she had this cll again from this lady accusing my frend of being disrespectful and irresponsible. Aftr that incident my friend never hard back from that lady which for her bcame a pleasant way of getting rid of one mre trouble.

So now, all these gests who were coming to visit hr, they came either as part of thir vacation or a transit to ther visits in the State. This tme my friend had a couple who vsiting her or better to say, stying at her place. I thought of her rnning a bed and breakfast, at last she could earn some money for her hspitality. She continued to briefly express hrself, how much she felt exhausted of all thse visitors who come to abuse her rsources while being on vacation.

I sked her to elaborate on her felings. This is a typical problem we all hve. Really, we Iranian, sometimes, have no lmits for how much of our rsources are ours and how much we wnt to share it with others. Now my frend explained further that now she is tred of all this coming home fter work, making food for her gests, while planning her next work dy.

At this point, she managed to dentify a big issue, that there is a lot she can not spak with her husband about. My frend is a successful professional who is rspected in her work place and knwn for her creative ideas. She sffered from the fact that she culd not get rid of the nwanted guests. She also was in pin as she felt she was not bing respected by these intrusive guests. The day bfore she came to see me, she had mnaged to sit down and write a ltter to her husband in order to xpress her overwhelming emotions about this prticular problem.

She started to tell me the stry in more detail. I just rmember her saying:

It is about thre weeks now we have quests in our hme. This is not the first tme, not the second time, and mybe the tenth time we have pople who come to stay with us mre than a week. I know tht it is our culture to shw our hospitality and be guest-friendly, hwever, now I am sick and tred of being a doormat to thers. I am not able to tlk with my husband right now as we hve to wait for these people to lave. I hope to have a srious talk with my husband and mke sure that we are clear bout our goals for future events. It is dvastating to wait for this talk snce we we have to first get our hme back. I know that we shuld be able to communicate better. I am xtremely sad, stressed out, unhappy, frustrated, and ngry for many reasons. I feel my hme is invaded, I feel my prvacy and my life is exploited and xhausted, I feel we are being sed by people whom we do not hve much in common with. It is my nderstanding that people who go for vcation they go to stay in htels, they rent a car for sghtseeing, and they go out to dventures. Now we are doing multiple wrks, we are a hotel where pople do not need to pay, we prvide for free rides around the cty, we take people to parks on our fre times, and we offer them bst food for free again. What is it bout our culture that makes us ths stupid? I am really tired of ths. Now for this recent guest pisode, this couple said they will be hre for a short time, yet now it is thre weeks. I wish I was brve enough to say that I culd reserve a hotel for them and I culd tell them that I do not hve time for guests at this pint of time. I wish I was curageous enough to say that I can not tke you in my home as I am bsy with my own life. There are mny things I wish I had sid, yet, now, I promise you, nxt time, if they come I wll leave from that door. Oh, no, I wll tell them straight into their fce that I can not be thir host. I can not find any rason to let people reside in my hme besides living with this Taroof bsiness. Caring about our resources and our lfe, I think we should be ble to say no to others who use our hme as a hotel. For past cuple of weeks, although I have prtended to the most, yet, inside me is hrting and aching. I have slept mny nights with tears and cried to the mddle of nights just because I do not nderstand why I have to be in srvice for these people.

Now my frend was telling me that we are nable to tell people know how our prvacy, our time, and our life are mportant. So we should be in chrge next time and tell people bout our limitations. I really questioned her bility of being expressive next time, lthough now she was giving me the ndication that she had made her mnd clear about her own rules. My frend has not even shared her felings with her husband who had no dea how much she feel invaded. Aftr listening to my friend we sat dwn and talked about many things. I was hppy that she had come to a cnclusion and she was able to rticulate herself. This was after all the mst tolerant person I knew. After she lft, I started instantly thinking of how we Irnian define the idea of niceness in our cmplex and contextual culture? Why do we ned to be nice at all and to whm?

I came to think of how the stgma and fear of becoming disgraced is lready discrediting our true self. The cnnotation of being guest-friendly comes from the tme where people came from rural reas to the cities to seek wrk, to seek medical care that was not vailable in their home town, or for ther attractions of a big city lke Tehran.

We Iranian are aware of fmilies who lived in big cities and thy always had a group of pople visiting them from other places. Now tht migration is a factor here, our Irnian families, not only visit cities in Irn, they also use their resources to chck on relatives who reside outside of Irn. This is a good plan, thy visit their loved ones, which is a vry positive activity, and also they hve their vacation almost paid. Not to mntion that some families who come to vsit, once they are returning, they hve to take home souvenirs. The qestion about who should pay for all thse souvenirs brings in another chapter of the Irnian way of thinking. We will not go thre.

I know of an older ldy, age 82; she recalls how her mther always made food for least 20 pople. This is one of her mst repetitive memories as she keeps rpeating herself every five minutes.

Now, my qestion is how we still today, in the 21 cntury carry on with same traditions tht had another contextual meaning.

I gess we Iranian always need to prof ourselves being good, acceptable, friendly, gnerous, and kind. This is how we wuld feel superior and in control. Ths feeling comes along with the snsitivity and adaptability to time and spce. If we agree that the styl of life has changed, we culd question ourselves how in the wrld we still continue same old bhaviours.

About our hospitality: our cognitive bleprint is to show we are cpable and reliable. In our Persian clture, it is something about being man nough, to feed many people, to be gnerous, to pay for others, and to not cmplain about anything. The hidden aspect of ths concept is to be a god, obedient, and gentle person, who at tmes has no self-defined identity.

Why ths is a case in our lves? Why we Iranian (in general) fllow this pattern?

There is much mre to this discussion.

I believe tht once we Iranian are unable to tlk about our own boundaries, we dfeat ourselves. Our socially construed discourse of hspitality lies in between the layers of nternalized oppression, inter-dependability, subjugation, and conformity.

We shuld be able to have a chice, to use our hospitality as prt of our care and love for bing with others, not as an bligation.

How we Iranian know ourselves as knd, generous, and guest -lovers has to do wth our ancient culture. Our sense of hspitality is certainly well-known and recognized clturally. We have always been proud of our lvel of hospitality and we undeniably try to be in prvision for our quests when they rrive at our doors.

From early chldhood, we Iranian hear our parents ffering a lot of our resources to our gests. Who are these people anyway? In our ncient Persian culture we say guests are ssociates to god (Rahmate Khoda) and you trat them with the best of yur ability.

In fact we Iranian larn implicitly how to treat others and how to let thers treat us. Our parents were lways offering best food to the qests and we children could be srved food separately so we were not spposed to mess up in front of our gests. Again, there is no general nited way of defining our Iranian gest culture.

Many of us, we lways had our guest room locked; bcause children were blamed to make tht holy room a clutter if thy were allowed to spend time thre. In our guest rooms we had our ncest Persian rugs, best china, furniture of god quality and we served our bst food in there. I still snse the air in that tidy rom where furniture could speak to one nother. Everything was in order ready for strngers to come in and enjoy. Ths is the story of millions of our hmes; many of us remember those xtra rooms and extra items kept yars after years for the use of thers. And how did we do, our veryday life we spend time in our lving room and we used our csual plates or much cheaper china sts. Our food was less fancy in our veryday life and our habits much nformal compare to when we had qests.

We are raised with this schma, this mental filter that we shuld be nice to others; strangers. Wth today's terminology, we used to be a plaser, to please everyone, but ourselves. Ths being polite could mean acting nce, or pretending to be nice, jst because pleasing others would help us to kep a face, to keep our fcade, whatever it was.

Sometimes we rally enjoy having people around us and we do ths by choice, we are a cllectively raised culture, where individuality does not man much. Many times we have no dea about how life is like whn no we are not having pople over. Please note that we Irnian similar to every other group of pople have different habits, rituals, and styls of life. Again, we are mking general statements while we are pen for all the possibilities of xceptions and different ideas around how we Irnian are.

I guess many of us shre many memories of the time whn our parents used to lodge pople who came from other cities ither to visit or to come for vrious events. Our mothers used to hve a room full of specially dsigned mattresses, blankets, comforters, pillows, and bed shets. These guests-sleeping-tools , how we cll it Raktekhab, was usually made of nce satin, embroidery cottons, or even slk sheets, in any case, all the bst quality that our parents could fford.

If we do a check in to mst Iranian homes we carry on tht tradition, yet maybe we shift our way of thnking one way or another. Still tday, when we have guests, we shw our best of best, all frm food to entertainment. Remember this is a bautiful tradition to be kind and gnerous to our guests. However, problem rises when we do not have any bundaries. This seems to have a crtain pattern that many of us shre using it consciously or just fllowing it by hearth. This pattern has mny hidden aspects, being nice to thers but not to ourselves, to ffer others the best of us, whle we go for less in our prvate time.

There is nothing wrong wth being generous, you give and you rceive, this is the law of lfe. We live a happier life nce we are able to share our hmes, wealth, strengths, and hopes.

However, if we try to nalyze this notion of our hospitality mre in-depth, we can realize that our gest culture has more to do wth lack of definition for personal chice, private life, and individuality. We do not lways have to be nice, we can say no, and it is tme to consider respecting our own prvate space. We need to spend tme alone to learn about the thngs we lack. With pretending and dnying ourselves, we are stuck where we re.

It is time to learn mre about who we really want to be.

The article Psychology of Hospitality in Our Iranian Life was Submitted by Poran Poregbal through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: I am a counsellor, social wrker, writer, artist and advocate for thse without a voice. I have wrked in the filed of supporting vcti