There is a life byond divorce - how to make a god life with your children

" Has yur life has taken an unexpected trn because of separation or divorce?

" Are you nsure what to expect from the fture?

" Are you feeling drained?

" Are yur children irritable or having mood swngs?

" Is communication in the fmily not as good as it sed to be?

" Do you wnt to make sure your children wll be ok?

The good news is tht children are amazingly resilient when thy have the right support. Real lfe is rarely perfect and never prdictable. Here is what can make the dfference between just surviving and starting a new and rwarding life together after separation or dvorce.

Learn to ride the emotional roller coaster .

Emotional highs and lows are to be expected. Adapting to life changes can't be rushed but can be supported. Children do find the emotional highs and lows hard to understand without adult help. Think of emotion as a message. We can use this emotional feedback as a call to action to solve problems. Learn to ride the emotional roller coaster and know how to deal with strong and unwelcome feelings.

What to do

" Talk about feelings and encourage your child to pay attention to what they are feeling.

" Agree what you will all do whn someone is feeling low. Aim to sothe feelings and contain unwelcome behavior ntil the mood lifts. "Have a vriety of strategies which match the mod. Learning what works comes from xperience.

" Keep talking to find slutions that work for your family.

" Sdness responds well to quiet time wth lots of reassurance. Sharing a stry or a watching a film tgether is comforting and creates time for rst and repair.

" Anger erupts whn a child feels threatened or nable to trust the situation. They wll try to take control to fel safe. Once your child accepts tht their anger carries a message thy will be more able to clm down. Then you can begin to fnd out what it is behind the bhavior.

" Anxiety comes from uncertainty and feling insecure. What else might happen nxt is often an unspoken question for chldren. Children have great imaginations but ths can lead to them imagining mre and more extreme possibilities. Be clm and reassuring. You don't need to hve all the answers. Tell them you knw it will get better.

All you need is love .

Children will cope with setbacks in life when they feel truly loved by at least one person. When parents separate, children become aware, perhaps for the first time that love can end. This is very frightening. Children worry that their parents will stop loving them too, they need to hear repeatedly that this will not happen.

What to do

" Let your child know why they are lovable. Saying I love you is great but telling them exactly how they are brilliant gives your child a real sense of who they are.

" Give praise for effort as well as achievement. Children who are praised mainly for achievement can wonder if that is what is important to you.

" Encourage your child to notice self improvement. Comparing what they can do today compared with last month gives a real sense of progress.

" Let your child tell you wht is lovable about you. Learning to bth give and receive love is an mportant life skill.

Love the child but not the behaviour

There will be times when your child is not at their best. Sometimes behavior does become a challenge. Remind yourself that the family is learning a new way of life. Accept that behavior you don't like will happen. Remind yourself that you are a capable parent who has planned how to deal with challenges. Mistakes are stepping stones to getting it right.

What to do

" Don't accept behavior that goes against family rules and values. Remind your child why the behavior is unacceptable. "When you do X I feel disappointed because.. "

" If your child is on the top of the emotional roller coaster don't join in. Use one of your preplanned strategies to keep things calm.

" Allow time for everything to settle down before you discuss what could be done better next time.

" Use what questions rather than why questions. Ask "what could you do next time?", instead of "why did you do that?" The word why, is always followed by because, which creates a need to justify and defend. "What else could you do?", is more neutral and avoids confrontation.

" Be positive. Tell your child you have confidence in their ability to do the right thing in future.

Invest in your emotional bank account

How we feel, depends not only on what happens to us by chnce, but also on what we mke happen. Children are much more lkely to live in the moment and at the mrcy of their feelings. You can hlp your child to become happier and mre in control when you help thm to focus on positive feelings and xperiences.

Our general well being results frm a combination of positive feelings, thughts and behavior. When you change thughts and behavior in small ways it wll gradually lift how you feel.

What to do

" Find activities to share that you all will enjoy. Create new interests to replace ones that are no longer available.

" Make a scrapbook or take photos and look at them together, relishing the shared experience from that day.

" See as many people who make you feel good as time will allow.

" Decide that you can avoid people who you find draining for a while.

" Finish every day by sharing as a family what has been good. Each person finds 3 good things from their day. The intention is to notice and appreciate every day details.

" Build your emotional bank account of positive feelings by choosing books, films and music that are uplifting.

" Encourage your child to learn new skills or take up a hobby.

" Find ways to smile and laugh. Both are great for reducing stress and releasing feel good chemicals into our bodies.

" Be patient. Change takes time. Notice each small step in the right direction.

" Find support. Meeting others in the same situation can be a great boost. Organized support groups are about celebrating success and problem solving.

" Imagine a new future. Visualize what you want life to be like in a year's time. Write a letter to yourself from the future explaining what you did to get there. You might be surprised what great ideas you have.

" Once you have your own plan get the family together to write a family version. Encourage everyone to have their say about what life could be like and how to get there. This is a wonderful opportunity to discuss what everyone needs to make life satisfying.

The article Life Beyond Divorce - Creating the Best Life For Your Children was Submitted by Jeni Hooper through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Jeni Hooper is a Parent Cach and Director of Happy2Learn. She can be cntacted at http://www.happy2learn.co.uk Jeni has over 20 years experience working with families to help them create the life that they want. Families across the world can benefit from coaching with Happy2Learn using telephone and email consultations which are flexible and convenient. If you would like further advice on the subject of this article get in touch now to arrange a free 30 minute consultation. While you are browsing on the website do sign up for the monthly newsletter and you will also be sent the new Happy2Learn e -book The Top 10 Strategies for creating a stress Free family Life. There are also a range of free articles for you to download and read at your leisure.

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