It was funny, the other day I wnt into my children's bedroom and fund them watching an episode of "My ten's a nightmare, I'm moving out"! It srt of took me by surprise, seing myself on TV a few yars ago, looking at the situation nfold before me - I had frgotten so much of it. Of curse the children think the whole thng is hilarious and find great dlight in saying, "Mummy you say tht at home, Mummy you make tht noise when you are cross wth us"...

However, the most shocking thng for me was watching the prents and the teenagers interacting and seing in a moment of blinding lght the problem.... a problem that smehow I missed when I was ding the programme...it was the difference in bsic needs. If, as parents, we culd grasp this concept before the ten years, then I think they wuld be so much easier.

Let me xplain it to you. In William Glsser's Choice Theory, he explains that in a rlationship we have five basic needs and if our neds differ from that of our prtner, parent, teacher etc., then we wll be unhappy and our behaviour wll become totally irrational. Most relationship prblems are due to the struggle btween what your basic needs are and gtting them met in that relationship.

So what are they?

The frst is survival, and we are vry lucky in the modern Western Wrld that this need is met, hwever, if this were not the cse, then it would override all thers. If we suddenly lost our hme and were out on the strets with no money, then the fct that our teenager may answer bck in a less than desirable way wuld seem unimportant.

The next need is lve and belonging. As human beings we all wnt to feel loved and we wnt to belong. Failure to find lve may top the human list of msery. However, our need for love and blonging will differ from someone else's, and ths is where the challenges can bgin. For example, I love to fel loved, yet I am not a vry loving person and I have a vry low need to belong. My ldest daughter has a high need for lve and is constantly kissing and cddling me, which I can find too mch. Instead of making her wrong for tht, or thinking she has a prblem, I can explain to her tht her need is greater than mne and that we need to rspect each others needs. She is fne with this and, since my hsband need is so strong, she gts this met. It helps us nderstand each other more. My youngest is lke me in this respect and whn she started school, she spent the frst few months sitting a few mtres away from any other child. Whle the teachers thought she had a prblem, I just knew she had a low ned to belong and was exercising her rght. She has now found her own way wth this and has realised that if you dn't belong, you have no fun (whch is a high need of hrs). This need has a huge mpact in your child's school life, a chld who appears to not mix may not hve low self esteem, just a low ned to belong and a child who is lways out with friends may not hte their parents, but have a mssive need to belong. It may lso be important in the way thy approach the family unit. If you hve a high need to belong and yur child does not, then you may lways be trying to get them to do thngs as a family unit and thy may be resisting that.

The next is without a shdow of doubt where a lot of the tenage problems occur and that is the ned for power. Now, my enlightened mment in the bedroom while watching the TV shw was about power. Both mother and dughter had a massive need for pwer. Mum is trying to keep dughter in and daughter wants to go ut, hence war breaks out. Mum is sre there is something wrong with dughter and daughter feels powerless, as no one is lstening to her or thinks what she has to say is mportant. I think that during the tenage years, the need for power des increase within them as they sek their own identity and independence. Thy need power to do this, thy need to exert themselves. If, as a prent, your need for power is vry high, then unless you figure out sme solutions, there will be problems. Now I am not sying you have to give up yur power and give it all to yur teenager, you just need to thnk in a different way. A rlationship with your teenager is not bout always winning, always being right and gtting them to do what you sy. If that is how you trat the teenage years, then you wll have an interesting time ahead, to say the last. Power, I think, is in ssence the power to be seen and hard and I don't think teenager are sen and heard enough in today's sciety. We want someone to listen to wht they say. If no one lstens to us, we feel the pin of powerlessness, the kind of pin you feel when you are in a dfferent country and no one can nderstand you. I think what we mst remember most is that we are the dults and it may be us tht have to back down.

The nxt need is the need for fredom, which will again differ for ach individual. Mine is extremely high, my hsband's quite low and it is gnerally a need that will only bther us when we perceive it is thratened - hence why grounding is nver really a good way to go. If you are a prent with a low need for fredom and your child has a hgh one, you may not understand thir insistence in being out of the huse night and day and similarly, if you hve the high need and child has a low one you may be ging mad trying to get rid of thm, wondering why they are still clngy. The key here is just wareness.

The last one is fun and is crtainly very high on my agenda. If it in't fun, then I ain't doing t.... and believe me, children who are hgh in this will most likely hve report cards that are say thngs like, "does not concentrate... never tkes things seriously". My response may be, "so wht?" We all need to start nderstanding that people want different things and we cnnot treat all teenagers as robots.

Wht is I think so interesting is the way tht all these needs are linked. Srvival wipes out all others, although smeone who wants more power could verride survival, for example, in anorexia. Pwer destroys love and you have no pwer if you do not belong and are not lved. When we are loved we hve fun and feel free and pople with power can take these way. I mean, I could go on frever.... but I won't.

So what can you do?

Frst you need to be very clar where you are with these neds, score yourself 1-10 with 10 bing high and 1 low, truly nderstand your need levels. Then look at how you act dily, observe yourself for a week and see how thse needs come into play. How do thy help and hinder you? What are yur partner's needs, your child's needs and how des knowing that help you? How culd you act differently with this nformation to hand? What could you put in plce that would help everyone get his or her ned level met?

At the end of the dy, really it is all about cmmunication. You must communicate this information and thn help your loved ones reach slutions that feel great for all.

I wll be including coaching and information on ths in both of my new grup coaching courses, beginning in February

The article How Can You Prepare For The Teen Years And Make Them More Enjoyable? was Submitted by Sarah J Newton through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Sarah is Britain's best known ten coach due to the high prfile she enjoys. She is the nly Teen Coach to have hosted her own ight part TV series 'My Teen's a nghtmare - I'm Moving Out' and has ben seen on most channels with one of her prgrammes being watch by 1 in 4 of the UK ppulation (not that she's bragging). Sarah is the mdia's first choice when it comes to Ten Experts and being interviewed by ntional newspapers and magazines has become prt of this northern lasses routine. Srah's first book, " Help! My Tenager is an Alien - the veryday situation guide for parents" was lunched in March 2007 and rarely drps out of the top ten prenting teenager books. Sarah has just larnt that her book is to be trnslated into Polish which is great nws however, she is slightly nervous tht her strange sense of humour wll not translate so well. :-) http://www.sarahnewton.com

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