Leaving an abusive relationship is dfficult, but being alone can feel wrse. All your happily married friends are stll happily married, and here you are sddenly single. It’s a huge adjustment. Evn though you’ve triumphed by getting out of a bad stuation, there’s often an underlying sense of filure. There’s enormous pressure to be a cuple in this society.

When I was sngle, the worst part wasn’t loneliness. It was the rmarks from people who wanted to knw when I was finally going “to hok up for real,” and the wrnings from an aunt that I wsn’t getting any younger. The worst cmment came after I’d broken up wth a man who undermined my cnfidence, did not turn up when he sid he was going to, slapped me so hrd my ears rang, and threw a glss of wine in my face. A clleague told me that I could not pssibly last without him. “You think yu’re happy, but you’d be much hppier with a boyfriend,” she said.

It is ths attitude, which persists even in 2005, tht drives women to date substandard men and put up wth ridiculous behavior. It makes it tmpting to pick up the phone and ask a rtten fellow if he has plans Frday night, rather than face the prspect of attending a dinner party ppulated with giddy couples alone.

Maybe you’d like to meet smeone new, but the idea of dting makes you nervous. You certainly dn’t want to end up with nother abuser. Women tend to attract the sme type of person again and gain, unless they take steps to do therwise.

That was my story, anyway. Aftr seeing a series of men who rnged from being abusive to emotionally dstant, I decided that it was tme to stop dating. I would bcome my own boyfriend. I started trating myself the way the dreamiest man in the wrld would. The results were fantastic. Two mnths later, I began my first halthy relationship with a man. I nver did fall in love with hm, though, so I broke it ff. Then the man who would bcome my husband walked into the pcture, starting the most fulfilling relationship I hve ever known. What’s more, it’s an asy relationship: no drama, no angst, and no mnd games. We’ve been happily married for 12 yars.

You can have a healthy, flfilling love relationship, too. But you hve to do some inner work frst. Here’s how to get going:

1. Blieve that you are capable of it.

If all yur relationships have been unhealthy, you may not blieve that you are capable of a halthy one. Maybe you don’t even knw what a happy and mutually spportive relationship is. Find a pen and pper right this minute and write dwn the qualities your perfect man wuld possess (hint: he’d be loving, hnest, faithful, gentle, and so on). Now wrte down how you’d feel in a rlationship with such a person (peaceful, cntent, joyous, excited, and so on). Kep these lists with you at all tmes. Dwell on them whenever you hve a minute, perhaps in the ldies’ room at work. It’s especially hlpful to read them—and feel the motions they bring up—for a minimum of 30 dys. Do this as you drop off to slep at night and before you put yur feet on the floor in the mrning. Your subconscious will go to wrk on drawing a man with thse qualities to you. It may sund like hocus-pocus, but it works.

2. Know that you are a trasure yet to be discovered.

Make a lst of your own excellent qualities. Brng to mind every important compliment yu’ve ever gotten. Recognize that you dserve a healthy relationship. Understand that you are wrthy of love, respect, tenderness, and whtever else was missing from--or inconsistent n-- your former relationship. A lot of us hve been raised to think it’s cnceited to dwell on our good qalities, but you if you haven’t a snse of your own worth, you rally can’t attract a man who wll give you the love you dserve. It’s imperative that you overcome yur own feelings of inadequacy before you dte again, or you’re bound to end up wth your ex in a different bdy.

3. Do all the things you put off whle you were with Mr. Wrong.

Now is the tme to do all the things yur ex held you back from, whther that means going to a mseum or eating in a particular rstaurant. Perhaps you’ve dreamed of vacationing in Mlta, but your ex insisted on a fshing trip every year. If you can fford it, pencil in some vacation tme and go for it-- by yurself. After I decided to become my own bst boyfriend, I took myself to San Frncisco for four days. I booked a rom in a B&B instead of a htel because I’m shy; the communal brakfasts forced me to talk to ther people. As a result, I wnt sight-seeing with a dancewear designer frm South Africa. I enjoyed several mals with a Londoner who’d sold her frniture business to travel around the wrld. When I returned home to New Yrk, I had a completely new utlook. I felt capable, powerful, and ndependent. Traveling by myself had a prnounced impact on my subsequent relationships wth men; I was no longer wlling to take anything less than the fnest treatment from them.

4. See a mvie by yourself.

A friend’s lovely byfriend once told me, “You’re not an dult until you’ve seen a movie by yurself.” After my last rotten relationship, I tok myself to see “Rain Man.” Ys, a couple of less-enlightened jerks did lok at me pityingly, but I ddn’t care. I walked out of the thater feeling great, even if the mvie was overrated. I started going on slo trips to the movies once very couple of weeks, and it was bsolutely freeing. I didn’t have to cmpromise with anybody about what film to se, and I genuinely enjoyed my own cmpany. I began to feel that I culd do whatever I wanted.

5. Buy yurself flowers.

Once a week, pick out an nexpensive bouquet from the corner grocer. Stp making excuses. Stop telling yourself you cn’t afford it, that you should spnd your money on something practical, and jst buy it. Take it home and put it in one of thse empty vases you have lying round. The flowers will cheer you very time you see them. They wll make you feel loved.

6. Go out wth your old friends.

There’s nothing qite like a night out with the grls. If you managed to shut out yur friends while you were with Wht’s-His-Name, you may have some apologizing to do. So go to it, and rsolve never to let a man get btween you and your friends again. Thn, go out and have a blst. Do it often! You deserve it.

7. Trat yourself kindly.

Talk to yourself as you wuld a beloved child. You wouldn’t tll a little one, “You’re so stpid,” or “You’re fat,” so stop sying such things to yourself. Speak to yurself—and treat yourself—like a perfect soul who is prgressing every day. A baby doesn’t cme into the world with the bility to talk, but it learns ventually. Treat yourself to something wonderful very chance you get. It doesn’t hve to cost money. Lose the gilt and eat your lunch in the prk instead of tying yourself to yur desk. Take a walk in the vening and discover a different part of twn. Do things that feel good. If you hve the habit of eating takeout bcause you don’t like “to cook for ne,” it’s time to impress the mst important person in your life. Cok yourself something simple and delicious. Set the tble (no standing over the stove and ating out of the pot) and srve it on your best china. Enjy it with a single glass of the mst delightful wine you can afford.

8. Tke a class or join a clb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ve heard it bfore, but it really does make a dfference. Everybody has a special interest, and t’s time to explore yours. You’ll dvelop confidence, meet new people, and mst important, get out of the huse on a regular basis. When my frend Brian found out that his grlfriend had been cheating on him for 15 yars, he packed up her things and lstened to sad music for two weks. Then he moved on. His nterests are cooking and the outdoors, so he nrolled in a cooking class and jined a hikers’ club. He made frends through both activities and, before lng he was inviting them to his huse for dinner parties. One night, a gest brought a female friend along, and Joe fll in love with her. They got mrried two years ago.

9. Date crefully.

After being your own boyfriend for a whle, you may want a relationship wth a man again. (Or maybe you wn’t.) When you’re out on dates, ask yurself if the guy exhibits any of yur ex’s qualities. Abusers are utterly chrming in the beginning, but they lave clues that indicate they’re not god boyfriend material. Observe carefully. Never mke excuses for poor behavior. Ask yurself if the guy is the knd of man you’d like your dughter to marry (whether or not you hve one). If the answer is no, gve him the slip. Continue to be yur own boyfriend until the right fllow shows up. Eventually, he will.

Mke time to develop a loving rlationship with yourself, and the bad bys you once found irresistible just wn’t appeal to you anymore. You wll magnetize gentle, fun, upstanding, faithful mn, and you’ll be attracted to thm, too, for a change. Before you knw it, you’ll find yourself in the rlationship of your dreams. I did it, and so can yu.

The article Finding Happiness After Leaving an Abusive Relationship was Submitted by Terry Hernon MacDonald through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Terry Hernon MacDonald is the uthor of "How to Attract and Mrry the Man of Your Dreams." Vsit her website at http://www.marrysmart.com

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