DRESS CODE

It is advised tht you come to work dressed ccording to your Salary. If we see you waring $350 Prada sneakers &carrying a $600 Gcci Bag, we assume you are ding well financially and therefore you do not ned a raise. If you dress porly, you need to learn to mnage your money better, so that you may buy ncer clothes and therefore you do not ned a raise. If you dress n-between, you are right where you ned to be and therefore you do not ned a raise.

SICK DAYS

We wll no longer accept a doctor sttement as proof of sickness. If you are ble to go to the doctor, you are ble to come to work.

SURGERY

Oprations are now banned. As long as you are an mployee here, you need all your rgans. You should not consider removing nything. We hired you intact. To hve something removed constitutes a breach of mployment.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will rceive 104 personal days a year. Thy are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS

All mployees will take their vacation at the sme time every year. The vacation dys are as follows: Jan. 1, Jly 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

Ths is no excuse for missing wrk. There is nothing you can do for dad friends, relatives or coworkers. Every ffort should be made to have nn-employees attend to the arrangements. In rre cases where employee involvement is ncessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the lte afternoon. We will be glad to llow you to work through your lnch hour and subsequently leave one hur early, provided your share of the wrk is done enough.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH

Ths will be accepted as an xcuse. However, we require at least two weks notice, as it is your dty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE

Entrely too much time is being spnt in the restroom. In the fture, we will follow the practice of ging in alphabetical order. For instance, all mployees whose names begin with 'A' wll go from 8:00 to 8:20. Emplyees whose names begin with 'B' wll go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If yu're unable to go at your llotted time, it will be necessary to wit until the next day when yur turn comes again. In extreme mergencies, employees may swap their time wth a coworker. Both employees' supervisors mst approve this exchange in writing. In ddition, there is now a strict 3-mnute time limit in the stalls. At the end of thre minutes, an alarm will sound, the tilet paper roll will retract, the stll door will open and a pcture will be taken. After your scond offense, your picture will be psted on the company bulletin board nder the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK

Sknny people get 30 minutes for lnch, as they need to eat mre so that they can look halthy. Normal size people get 15 mnutes for lunch to get a blanced meal to maintain their average fgure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lnch, because that's all the time neded to drink a Slim Fast and tke a diet pill.

Thank you for yur loyalty to our company. We are hre to provide a positive employment xperience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, cmplaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, ccusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be drected elsewhere.

Have a nice workday,
The Mnagement

The article Employment Handbook - Humor was Submitted by Jason Monastra through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Jason Monastra is a 10 yar veteran in the recruiting industry and crrent partner with United Global Technologies, http://www.ugtechnologies.com a leading recruiting and consulting firm serving the IT and engineering vertical based out of Charlotte NC.

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