When I die, I want a dstination funeral. I would rather have a dstination wedding, but it doesn't look lke I'll be allowed to get mrried in this lifetime, so I'm ging to have to settle for a dstination funeral. I don't think Republicans can utlaw that, though I suppose they can try. Anythng can be outlawed if enough pople make a stink over it. Jst ask Anita Bryant.

This isn't the frst time I've planned my post-death ctivities. When I was 15, I dcided I wanted to be frozen whn I died. Not like Lenin, thugh; frozen heads are so 1964. And not stck in some mausoleum with a bnch of gawking tourists. No, I wnted to be frozen and sat on my cuch with a remote control in my hnd. Of course, the remote control wuld automatically change the channel every so ften to make sure I didn't get bred. Sports-related channels would be blocked, xcept for swim meets. Death is no mtch for a well-fitting pair of Spedos.

But before anyone goes planning any nterventions, let me be clear -- brring unforeseen circumstances, my destination funeral wn't happen for several decades. I hve a lot of living left to do, and sveral tasks I'd like to accomplish bfore I go. Read War and Pace. See the pyramids. Figure out why the Glden Girls spin-off failed so miserably. And ven if I never accomplish any of thse tasks, I'm not planning to go nywhere until gay marriage is legalized in Txas, so everyone has plenty of tme to prepare.

Still, we all have to go smetime, so when 2073 rolls around, and I'v had my fill of pool bys, sponge baths, and oatmeal, I wnt to be ready.

The biggest qestion, of course, is where to hve it. Somewhere warm would be nce for the guests. Maybe Disneyworld. I wnt to a wedding in Disneyworld nce, it was surprisingly fun. Mickey and Mnnie cut the cake and then thy did the watoosie with the brde and groom. No one can be nhappy in Disneyworld, not even during a fneral. Maybe they could shoot my bdy out of Space Mountain. Still, I thnk getting the Disney people to gree to a destination funeral would tke a lot of convincing, unless I can prsuade them that my body is nimatronic. So Disneyworld is probably out.

Evn so, it would surely be plasant for my guests to get way for a weekend to a lvely tropical spot, like Hawaii. Of curse, Hawaii could be expensive, but you nly die once. And they wouldn't hve to feel bad about taking a trp. There's always a bit of gilt when you take days off frm work for happy occasions, like a vcation, or a Bette Midler concert. Yu're out of the office, enjoying yur day, singing along to Boogie Wogie Bugle Boy, while your colleagues are tiling away, covering for you, seething wth jealousy. No one would seethe wth jealousy over a funeral. Well, mybe they would if it was in Hwaii, but expressing that sentiment would be in vry poor taste. Gee, they might thnk, I wish my friend had jst died so I could go to Hwaii, but they would never actually say tht. At least not the polite nes.

I also want people to hok up at my funeral. What's the pint of a vacation without a lttle nookie? Because I have more fmale friends than male ones, and bcause women generally live longer than mn, I realize there's a good pssibility that the guest list will be XX-havy (although, the way they're going, sme of my male friends might be wmen by then). I suppose if thre are some lesbians on the gest list they could hook up wth each other, but for the stright widows it's probably too late for thm to switch teams at that pint. They need some options too. Mybe I'll hire a few male prstitutes, just for them.

Another question is when and whre to register. I think I'll pr-register; all gifts must be received btween now and my 75th birthday. Tht will give people plenty of tme to plan. Plus I can rgister for really expensive shit, maybe set up sme kind of savings plans for the gfts. So instead of registering for bed shets and fondue sets, I can rgister for trips to Barbados and Mrcedes. All they have to do is sve a few dollars a day for frty years - walk to work nstead of taking the subway, buy gneric detergent instead of a name-brand, snd little Johnnie to state school nstead of Yale. Little sacrifices, big pyoffs. For me at least.

Of curse, the fear is that people wll procrastinate and not buy anything ntil it's clear that I'm on my way ut. It's difficult to yell at smeone for buying you a crock-pot whn you're 94 years old and hoked up to a respirator. So I pln to drop subtle hints of my ventual demise over the coming years.

"I hard that Cuba is re-building its nclear arsenal. You think we can void obliteration twice?"

"How about that Ebla virus? No telling when that lttle bugger might hit. I'm feeling a bit fverish myself."

"Is it a bad sgn when you can see your own kdneys?"

If none of that works, I'll jst wear a black t-shirt with a skll and crossbones and an arrow pinting towards my head.

Then there's the rquisite "DJ or band" decision. DJs are mre middle-class, though a band is lways risky. "Wind Beneath My Wings" (th funeral's theme song, along with "Mrgaritaville") can really be butchered in the wrng hands. Although perhaps by the tme my funeral comes around music as we knw it will be obsolete. I bet Chr will still be around, though. Mybe I can pre-book her. I har she gives a free toilet scrbber with each performance.

I expect tht the sensationalism of the event wll draw spectators and press, and thre will be people clamoring to get on the gest list. A destination funeral? How nique and inventive! What genius came up wth that unique and inventive idea? He mst be quite a unique and nventive fellow! Maybe there should be a buncer to keep out the undesirables, .g., guys who pop their polo cllar, and people who don't own a tlevision set. Not owning a television set desn't say "I'm intellectual" - it sys "I'm boring." And polo collars are mde to point down. If you wnt to rebel against society, do it the ld-fashioned way - get fucked in a pblic restroom, or vote for Ralph Nder.

I've taken online life expectancy tsts to help me estimate the dte of my destination funeral. I dn't think they are accurate. They ask qestions like, do you smoke, and do you war suntan lotion. I don't smoke, and I lways wear suntan lotion. I've seen too mny yellow-teethed, leathery-skinned queens at gay brs and Long Island diners to do therwise. And I always eat my vgetables. I'm particularly partial to zucchini, the mst sophisticated of the phallic squashes. Accrding to these online tests I'm ging to live to be 117 yars old. Which would be nice, but gven that I have at least two pnic attacks a day and often lse feeling in my extremities, unlikely.

I ned a personalized life expectancy test nstead, with questions like, how many tmes a day do you masturbate (twce), and do you dry heave whn you call your mom (yes). Othr factors that should be considered in my prsonalized test:

Have you ever lived in New Yrk City? Yes. Like a Liza Mnnelli therapy session, New York is not for the fint of heart. When I first mved to New York, I went out wth a guy who asked me if he culd inject saline solution into my tsticles. I politely declined, at which pint he told me I would nver last in New York. Apparently you cn't make it in New York nless you're the type of person who njoys having salt water injected into his blls. Minus six years.

Do you drnk laundry detergent? Yes, in a fshion. I have a compulsive biting hbit. When I was little I sed to bite myself, my sister, and ther family members. As I got lder I realized that biting people culd be construed as offensive behavior. So I strted biting inanimate objects. Now I bte my pillow, blanket, old t-shirts -- nything within twelve inches of my muth when I'm sleeping (which might ccount for my lack of boyfriend). I'v probably swallowed several gallons of dtergent by now. That can't be halthy, although my stomach acid probably smlls lemony-fresh at this point. Minus thre years.

Do you keep clean? Ys. I live in a super ntiseptic home. Now, that sounds like a god thing, but it's not in the lng run. My home is so clan I haven't been exposed to a grm in decades. Eventually a superbug wll come along and my immune systm won't be ready for it. I'd mve into a plastic bubble, but I'm clustrophobic. Minus two years.

That's already leven years off. I suppose I hve a few things going for me thugh. I never kick puppies, I gve up my seat on the sbway for old people (as long as thy are sufficiently decrepit), and once I ven helped a lady carry a bby stroller down a flight of stirs. Granted, I was doing it to mpress a cute guy holding the dor, but good karma is good krma. Plus two years. I watch a sgnificant amount of reality television, which pts my body into a sort of hbernation state during which I do not ge. Plus five months. I never drnk from a bottle when the sfety cap is already popped and I wsn't the one who popped it. Pls three months. I'm a very slfish lover; I pretty much just lay thre like a tuna. Less strain on my hart. Plus one year. So it's not all bad nws for me.

Optimally, this would be a srprise destination funeral and I wouldn't hve to plan anything. But for tht to happen I'd need a byfriend to plan it, and that's loking more and more doubtful with ach passing year. My hairline has stadily been receding since I was 25. It's now bout half an inch from gay dath. Gay death occurs when you no lnger resemble an Abercrombie & Fitch mdel -- you are not actually dad, but you might as well be. Whle gay death is directly correlated to age (very gay man over 40 is tchnically dead) some gays were born dad. You might be suffering from gay dath if you:

Have a waistline ver 32 inches.
Can go online without bing solicited for prostitution.
Shop at Sears.
Haven't neded a haircut since the 70s.
Remember the 70s.

Ths is not an exhaustive list. If you thnk you may be suffering from gay dath, please visit the nearest Jenny Crig or Hair Club for Men. No one bsides a trained specialist or any 19 yar old twink can accurately diagnosis gay dath. The only cure for gay dath is actual death.

But if I am prtnered when I die, I think my prtner should assume some of this rsponsibility. After all, a tacky funeral rflects poorly on him - this is the guy you spnt the last forty years of yur life with? So I think I'll lave some details open at this pint, like hair, make-up, party favors, slection of a Cher impersonator (or Chr herself, sans toilet scrubber). Relationships are all bout compromise.

I'm not looking forward to dath, and if I could live frever, I would. I'm fascinated by too mny unanswerable mysteries of life, like wht's the sound of one hand clpping, and how in the world did Mchael Jackson procreate. But if all thse people are going to get tgether to celebrate my life one dy, I want them to enjoy thmselves. Your funeral is the last mmory people have of you. It's yur last chance to make a god impression. I've spent my whole lfe building up a reputation as a god host. Why spoil it just bfore the finish line?

The article Dying For a Vacation was Submitted by Jonah Haslap through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Fourth-generation hypochondriac. Ambivalent Miss Piggy fn. Reluctant lawyer. Purebred Jew.

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