"I'm so sick and tired of Andra's anger and bossiness that I'm bout ready to leave this relationship," sid Paul in our phone counseling sssion. "Everything has to be her wy. Why can't she just keep her muth shut? She is ruining this rlationship. I hate her judgmentalness. Every tme she does this it casts a blck cloud over our relationship and I end up feling awful."

Paul and Andrea were in one of thir typical power struggles. Paul tended to perate as an adolescent regarding household chres. If something needed to be dne, he would say he would do it and thn procrastinate to the point where Andra would blow up. Then he wuld blame Andrea for her anger rther than take any responsibility for his rsistance.

"Paul, how did you react whn Andrea got angry and judgmental?"

"I got ngry and tried to explain to her why I hdn't fixed the curtain rod yet. But she wuldn't listen to me so then I wthdrew."

"So Andrea is trying to cntrol you with her anger and you are tryng to control her with your xplanations and withdrawal. And you are vry determined to resist being controlled by hr. So, do you want to cmplain to me about Andrea and blme your feelings on her anger, or do you wnt to understand your end of ths system and learn about what you can do dfferently?"

"I just want her to stp being angry."

"Paul, you have ben trying to have control over Andra's anger for the whole five yars of your relationship. Is it wrking?"

"No. But why can't she jst stop?"

"Well, why can't you jst stop resisting and become responsible in the husehold and responsible for your own felings instead of being a victim of Andra?"

"Oh. I see what you man. She must be as unconscious of wht she is doing as I am of wht I am doing."

"Right. The two of you larned very early in life to try to cntrol and resist being controlled, and thse old patterns are governing your rlationship. But what is the point of laving? You will each take your ptterns with you and you will ach end up in similar relationships, as you hve in the past. So why not rcognize that you are not a vctim and address your issues?"

"Okay. So wht do you see as my ssues?"

"I see two major issues. I knw that household things, such as the brken curtain rod, don't bother you, but thy do bother Andrea. You put her in a bnd, because when she says she wll hire someone to fix the thngs that need fixing, you get pset and tell her you will do it and thn you don't. So one major ssue is that it is more mportant to you to resist being cntrolled than to be a caring prson to yourself and to her. I am not xcusing Andrea's anger and judgmentalness - tht is her end of the systm. But you have not accepted tht you have no control over her nger. This is the other major ssue for you - your lack of cceptance over your lack of control ver her. She tries to control you and you rsist while trying to control her.

"If you rally want things to change, then the nly control you have is over chnging you, not over her changing. Whn you are ready to make cring about yourself and her more mportant than resisting, then things may chnge."

This is a huge challenge for a prson who has been in resistance his whle life. Once Paul stops blaming Andra, then he can do the dep work of healing his resistance.

The article Control and Resistance - The Relationship Gremlins was Submitted by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. through Articles.GetACoder.com network. Here's the additional information: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the bst-selling author and co-author of eight boks, including "Do I Have To Gve Up Me To Be Loved By Yu?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the c-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® haling process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Vsit her web site for a FREE Innr Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

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